The phone thing was discussed for a long time, it’s pay as you go, for emergencies, and it’s only to be used when she goes out, for example to the park on her own.  She was obviously thrilled to bits so we called to get the £10 voucher that came with it.  The automated lady kindly informed us the credit would be on within 24 hours.  Isla was desperate to test it out.

My kids are 7 and 10 and go to the park on their own quite a bit, it’s about 2 minutes walk from our house, they usually see friends there stay for about 10 minutes and come home again, if not I walk up and tell them time is up.

I’m not sure what went wrong today.  On the way home from my mums, we passed the park, Isla asked if they could stay for 10 minutes, she would test out the new phone and come back.  I agreed.  Then I remembered I had to run to the shops (which is about 2 minutes the other way)  I suggested they stay there, I’ll nip to the shops and then come back for them.  Isla wasn’t sure about it.

“Can’t you just go home?’

“”Tell you what, I’ll call you from the shops when I’m leaving ok?”

“Ok then. don’t be long”

Off I drove…. If  I’d just looked in the wing mirror 10 seconds after, I would have seen that Isla had changed her mind and was now running after the car crying.  Unfortunately I didn’t see this, and went on my merry way to the shops, picked out my stuff and stood in the line.  The lady was slow… must ring Isla when I get in the car…hurry up lady…

As I struggled with my bag I heard my phone ringing, I thought for a second Isla’s credit had gone on and she was calling, but when I looked it was a number I didn’t recognise.  I answered as it rang off.  Getting in the car I call her.  She is beside herself.

“Mum, why did you leave us at the park, I said we didn’t want to stay”

“Isla, calm down, where are you?”

“At the..(sobs) the neighbours”

“Which ones?”

As it turns out our neighbours are lovely, but to be honest we hadn’t had much to do with them before my children sought refuge from their abandoning mother there.  I felt really stupid picking them up, Isla sobbing, Iden wondering what was going on, me looking sheepish, like I’d come to collect my lost wallet or something.  I was grateful to them, and I was pleased Isla did the right thing, but wow, did I feel bad.

I really struggle with the whole independence thing, Isla is desperate for it, but then panics and changes her mind.  It’s like when you have a toddler and they run around all fierce, then suddenly come running back to hide behind your leg.

I’m still waiting for social services to come knocking on the door and tell me I shouldn’t leave my kids hanging around the neighbourhood.

Moss left the day after the kids finished school, and he returns 2 days after they start back in September.  To say the timing of this is utter shit is frankly an understatement.

I could not go into this unprepared, it was a battle I had to fight. And so the list was made: “What to do in the holidays”

Even sitting down and writing it with the kids sent chills down my spine.  Some activities were bareable  ”Baking” for example – I can do baking, we don’t have to leave the house, it’s messy, but hey, so what.

“The park” pretty self explanatory really, I thought I could handle that one.

Other activities filled me with fear “Swimming”  going for a swim, however you want to say it, I did not for the life of me want to do it.  I HATE swimming.  My dad had the ‘I love swimming’ gene, but sadly he kept it all to himself, as neither me or my brother like it.  Moss loves swimming, but Moss is on the other side of the world for the next 5 weeks.  The kids have been begging me for the longest time to go swimming and I couldn’t put it off anymore, I already felt shit enough that they hadn’t been in years (apart from with school) and so it was  ”Swimming” went on the list.  It was wriiten through gritted teeth, I thought about writing it really lightly in pencil, then rubbing it out when the kids were gone, but somehow couldn’t bring myself to do it.

The list was written – obviously we wrote other stuff on there but this with suffice for now.  The calendar was filled, I was physiqued up, pumped up and ready for action. Bring on the summer holidays….

Monday – Kids went to my mums for the day. I got some housework done.

Tuesday – Calendar said “Funizuz” However Isla woke up with raging fever, plans cancelled for sofa day, changing her washcloth, covering her up, staring at her, and generally checking she wasn’t dead.

Wednesday –  Did funizuz in the morning the went swimming, you heard me, SWIMMING  in the afternoon.   I must admit, I was surprised, and wished I’d taken them ages ago. I had SUCH a good time, and the kids loved it too!  Isla taught me to swim on my back, apparently you just have to pretend you’re a serious penguin.

Thursday  - Isla has cheerleading day, I take Iden for lunch.  We test out the new cafe near us.  Iden takes no less than 15 minutes to look at the menu and decide he wants 2 crumpets.  We go to the counter.

Me: Hi, err, 2 crumpets and…

Druggy looking lady; Sorry we don’t have any crumpets

Me (after consulting with Iden for 5 more minutes) Ok well I’ll have a tea cake..

Younger chav girl in background; (shouting) oh we don’t ‘ave any of them either, sorry love

Me; Right ok, give me a minute. (Consult with Iden again, he now wants an egg mayonnaise sandwich. We argue, as I tell him he doesn’t like egg mayonnaise, he insists he does). An egg mayonnaise sandwich please.

I order my stuff

Druggy looking lady: Any drinks?

Me; An orange juice for him please.

Chav girl in background: (she comes forward) Nope, not got any orange juice,  soz, (she points at the drinks in the fridge on display)  it’s only 7 UP, coke, fanta….

Me; the ones in the fridge then?

Chav: Yea,

I ask Iden what he wants, he asks if he can have 7 UP as he turned 7 in February and therefore should be allowed.

We sit and eat, Iden takes one bite out of his sandwhich and says he doesn’t like it.  Little Britain flashes into my head.  I tell him to eat more.  He doesn’t.  He says he’s not hungry. Iden gives the place 10/10 as it looks nice, and the people seem friendly, he also likes that they have magazines out yet he seems to have bypassed completely the fact that they don’t have any food in.  He would make a rubbish critic.

Later that night he starts feeling hot and I know he’s got what isla had, but will have it 10 times worse. My mum stays over that night, I worry a lot about Iden, he is uncomfortable, hot…Way too hot, crying, I want to help him, but he’s had medicine, I can only make him more comfortable.  I can’t bear to see him so upset and miserable.

Friday – Iden seems better in the morning, I predict it’s the medicine, and he will go downhill later. We have Iden’s friend who I agreed to watch for the day, they bicker like old women as Iden is still ill and grumpy. It’s a long day.  I have several beers that night, inbetween going up and turning over Iden’s wash cloth, covering him up, staring at him and generally checking he isn’t dead.

Sat – Today, Iden seemed better this morning, he had a football match that he was desperate to play in.  He did, he played well, despite the team losing 10-0 .  I made Chicken soup for lunch.  Isla informed me that she wasn’t being rude but it smelt a bit like diarrhoea.

So I survived the week.  It was full of unexpected events such as, enjoyment of swimming and the unsettlement of kids being ill.  Next week they have holiday courses, Trampolining and football.  I shall get some time to myself – which will be luurvely!

IncidentalIy in the middle of writing this, Moss face-timed me from the lollapalooza festival in downtown Chicago, Facetime is amazing, I forgot where I was for a minute, then I remembered, I’m exactly where I need to be, knee deep in sickness, swimming, shit cafes and soup that smells like diarrhoea, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, bring on weeks 2,3,4 and 5!

I’m quite competitive as a person but when it comes to my brother, he is the only person I can’t be arsed competing with – it’s pointless.

We could go round and round in circles in arguments, each one believing their point was obvious and right.  We argued alot as kids, but I have retired myself to the fact that there is not much point and like I said, I can’t really be arsed with it.

Anyone who knows my brother, knows that I love him very much, but he’s one of the most argumentative and competitive people on this earth. Anyone who knows my son knows that I love him very much, but he is one of the most argumentative and competitive people on this earth.

Today they sat together looking at Iden’s DS, it was a game my brother really wanted to have a go at.

Ben; Can i see it please?

Iden: Well I’ll just tell you what you have to do

Ben: Well I can see what to do when I get it.

Iden; when you go in here, you have to…

Ben: Yes ok Iden, can I just see and..

Iden continues to explain the idea of the game, still clutching the DS tightly. I can see my brother getting annoyed, he wants the DS, he’s stubborn. Iden won’t hand it over. He wants to be in control. He too, is stubborn.

A little later we go to play band hero, Iden is on drums.  After one song Ben wants a go.

Ben: Thats great Iden can I have a go now.

Iden:  Well I have a setlist ready

Ben: Well can I have a go, I don’t get to go on it very often

Iden:  Well I’ll just do one more then.

I, of course tell Iden that he needs to let other people have a go, although I do find it really funny to watch my brother have a conversation with a mini version of himself.

Not sure where the argumentative gene came from, I think it’s from both our parents, but either way, I think my brother has finally met his match.

On July 10th this year my mum and I did Race for life.  It was a great day for it, not cold, but a nice breeze.  Before we even started I was welling up reading everyones backs saying who they were racing for.

The race itself was great, hard work, but great.  The atmospere was amazing and there was a real sense of unity.

I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who sponsored me.  I was overwhelmed by the amount of support I got, from friends, relatives who I see and also from friends off twitter and facebook.  I was genuinely touched by the genorousity shown and I want to thank each and everyone of you.  Between my mum and I we raised over £900 towards cancer research and that that is one of the many reasons I will definitely be doing it again.

Thank you all! x

My dad died when I was 24, and 3 months pregnant. I had been living in the states for a few years on and off before that and my only regret is that I didn’t really know him as an adult.

I’ve been told that as a little boy my dad was always in trouble, he was always the one causing mischief and trying to get out of it.  When I was little I would sit on the arm of his chair and sip his beer, while he told me stories of all the naughty things he did when he was little.  He would also tell me stories about being in the army, it was something I really looked forward to.

My dad grew up with a huge chip on his shoulder, he had tourettes syndrome, and always thought people were laughing at him – in some cases they were, and even if they weren’t, they better not be looking over at him. When dating my mum he had one infamous phrase he’d always say to her, usually in pubs “Hold my glasses love” before marching off to punch whoever happened to be looking in his direction.

My dad was a scorpio, if you were his friend or family he was fiercely loyal, and would do anything for you, if you weren’t and you got on the wrong side of him, man would you face the wrath.  If  anyone gave me or my brother problems at school, he would drive around the neighbourhood with us until he saw them, then drive by really slowly and give the ‘punch into hand’ move whilst staring directly at them as we passed.  You’d probably get locked up for that now, but hey it worked.

As a parent he was always the soft one, I could always manage to talk him round. I’m not sure if it was because I’m a girl or because I’m the youngest but we both knew that in the end I could pretty much get away with whatever.

I remember when I was about 11, our school had a trip to Manchester museum, I was so excited to see the huge whale skeleton hanging from the ceiling, that I’d heard about. It turned out I had an eye appointment on that day (that’s a whole nother blog entry) so I couldn’t go.  I was so dissapointed.  About a week later my dad took me to school, except he drove straight passed. “Dad, where are we going?  You missed the school”  ”Manchester museum, I thought you wanted to see the whale, love”  At that time, on that day, it was huge.  My dad had taken the day off work and I was missing school, and we were going to Manchester musuem – Fuck ‘em!  I remember that day so much more than I would hae done on a boring old school trip.

When i joined the circus aged 17, it was my dad who came out to the audition with me, and him that flew to the states to make sure I settled in ok.  Probably not the easiest thing for a parent to do. I’m always grateful for both my parents support on that.

My dad was clumsy: He was always banging his head on stuff and saying “Who bloody left that there”  My mum got him a mobile phone, which he couldn’t use, but constantly dropped, resulting in it being held together by green electrical tape.  He had OCD and was contstantly making paths in my messy bedroom “in case of a fire” and spent about 30 minutes locking the doors, and turning every single plug socket off in the house before bed. He had terrible road rage and if you cut him off, he would drive 2 inches from your bumper for the rest of the way. He was funny:  Lying on his death bed he let out a huge fart and after an awkward moment of the nurse thinking ‘poor man, no dignity’ he uttered  ”You can have that one love”   He was loyal, kind, honest and endearing and he was pretty much my best mate.

I’m not mopey about it anymore.  I’m grateful for the time I had with him and the things he taught me. He’s not here anymore and I have moved on with my life.  People die.  I get that, but sometimes, every now and again, I would REALLY, REALLY love to go for a pint with him.

When I came up with the idea for a comedy sketch show, I had certain ideas about how it would be, and who would be involved. Naively I assumed this would just sort of work itself out. Unforunately it didn’t happen that way.

I planned on putting RetroSketch on by myself, which in itself, is a ridiculous idea. I don’t have the organisational or business skills to do that. I now realise this.

Alot of things didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped, mainly because I assumed everyone would be as enthusiastic and excited as me. People were enthusiastic, but had other stuff going on.

I felt very unsupported and kind of lost in the whole process to be honest.  I’d like to point out that I don’t blame anyone for this, people had work/babies/other projects (which paid) and busy lives to be getting on with.  It was just circumstances.

RetroSketch could have gone ahead- yes I could have continued it, working with people I didn’t know and compromising what I originally wanted to do.  I wasn’t prepared to do that.

I had a very hard decision to make, and I’m sad that’s it’s not happening at the moment. However, at the end of the day if, and when RetroSketch goes on I want it to be brilliant, and I want it to be what I visualise it to be.  I don’t want to put something on for the sake of it.

I would like to put RetroSketch on in the future as more of a collaboration,  rather than just myself.

I’d like to thank @GrahamBandage @Hayles_Ellis and Curtis cole for their input.

I sat on the couch – terrified.  The other staff were there, and one by one the boys came home from school/workshop.  The first man I saw was Todd, he was taken out of his wheelchair and went straight to the floor. crawling towards me.  I froze.  The first thing I noticed was that he crawled using the back side of his wrist, the second thing was how far apart his eyes were. I found it really hard to look at him, he had a cleft palette and he was drolling.  I held my breath – I was actually afraid of him, I think scooted away from him.

Todd just looked at me, obviously checking out the new girl.  He did nothing and crawled back to his room.  I thought about it all night, my reaction really shocked me, and I didn’t know if this was a job I could do after all.  I decided to take the job, and that was one of the best decisions of my life.  The hours were long, the pay was awful, but the rewards were endless.

There were 4 guys in the house, they were all non-verbal, and all needed everything done for them.  Two were fed through g-tube and 2 ate at the table.  There were 4 staff on as each of them had to be one-on-one.

I got into the swing of things pretty easily, and my fear of Todd soon vanished.  He had a great sense of humour, and thought nothing of charging at you on all fours and head-butting you, then laughing for about 20 minutes about it, he would throw his head back and let out a huge wailing laugh.  He also thought it was pretty funny to pull your hair while he was feeding.

Todd was the only one with a TV in his room and he loved to go back to his room and flick through the channels, he watched lots of stuff.  I spent many an evening back inTodd’s room singing.  I can’t sing to save my life but you could sing any song, even a made-up one, and when you stopped he’d sign for more.  I think I loved his signs more than anything.  If you came to work drinking a fizzy drink, he’s smack the back of his hand in the sign for ‘pop,’ he also blew the best kisses ever.

Todd was often ill when I was there.  He wasn’t supposed to live long at all and at 31, he’d out-lived anyones expectations.  One time he got pneumonia, it was awful – I wanted them to take him to hospital, but they thought he’d do better at home.  Alot of us didn’t like it – we weren’t nurses and not paid enough to deal with that.  I hated going into work, looking at the chart and seeing that I had Todd.  It was a horrible time and a long haul but against all the odds – again, Todd pulled through and was back to his silly self again.

I left the house in 2006, ultimately because I was seeing more of them than my own kids.  It was really hard for me to leave, I loved the guys and I’d made some great friends in some of the staff too.

In the years that followed I thought about the guys often, they were all so different from each other, and all with huge personalities.

I got word from a friend last week that Todd recently passed away.  I was totally heart-broken and shocked at how upset I was.  It was just a job, I hadn’t even seen him in almost 5 years, but it completely overtook me.

I think back to how I was when I first saw Todd, afraid of him because he looked different, it makes me feel ashamed that i felt like that, but I was ignorant.  The guys in that house will never know or understand how much they meant to me, but I’d like to thank them for opening my eyes to so many things.

R.I.P Todd, you will be missed.

RetroSketch is a new comedy sketch show that will performed on Thurs 22 Jul @ Joshua Brooks, Princess street, Manchester.  As we speak, I am putting together a crack team of comedy writers and actors from across the North-west, to entertain you for the night (maybe 2, but don’t tell anyone).   Prepare for nostalgia and giggles as we take you back to the 90′s to reminisce about when we were young – ok, well younger than we are now anyway.

If you would like to be a part of RetroSketch, there is still time to get your script in.  I’m mainly looking for new writers who are eager to get their work seen, preferably from the North-west. Sketches should be between 2-10 minutes long, 90′s theme is a bonus but NOT essential.  Deadline is 12 noon, April 14th.

Please send sketches or any questions to jennie_eve@yahoo.com

“It’s a hot sunny day in June.  Iden has just won player of the week at football and got the trophy.

Today is the day of the school fair.  Iden takes the trophy to the fair to show his friends.  He puts the trophy down on one of the stalls to chat to some friends, when he turns back towards the stall, THE TROPHY IS GONE!

Please report immediately to the investigation room to begin your investgation once inside you will search for 10 clues to help you.  GOOD LUCK”

You enter the investigation room and straight away see the following suspect board.

Ophelia Bottom, age 71

Jimmy Jimbob, age 10

Bobby McGarry, age 45

Diana Roberts, age 34

Jessica Roberts, age 2

After searching the investigation room you uncover the following clues:

Diana Roberts is a dinner-lady at school whose son plays football with Iden.

Jimmy Jimbob is not in the football team, he prefers hockey.

Ophelia Bottom watches the football team play every week.

Bobby McGarry used to coach the football team, before he turned to a life of crime.

Jessica Roberts is Diana’s daughter, she is friendly, but likes to pick up shiny objects.

Ophelia Bottom runs the cake stall which Iden’s trophy was stolen from.

Diana Roberts has a very big handbag.

Bobby McGarry served time in jail for robbery and is known as the local theif

Jessica Roberts does everything her mummy asks her to.

Jimmy Jimbob is always in trouble at school.

Did you figure it out?  Since I wrote this for a 7 yr old to do with an adult, I’m sure you did. If you want to say who you think it was feel free.

Thanks to Isla for the handy suspect portraits.

Do me a favour though.  Go back and take another look at Bobby McGarry.  Now imagine you’re 7 and afraid of robbers.

Feel free to steal this for your own kids, maybe you could make Bobby McGarrt a florist or something.

Lesson for today: Never get so carried away with plots and motives for a kids game that you scare the kid so much, he will not leave a grown-ups side for the next 2 hours.  Oh and don’t use the word “Robber”